"Oh God, do you even love me?"

"Oh God, do you even love me?" The question escaped my lips before I could even begin to think how "unchristian" it was.

The darkness seemed to envelop my vision and I could not see the One I was speaking to... was He even there? How could He be when I felt so far from Him? 

...No, He couldn't be. Desperately, I looked around me, looking for solace, but the wind kept blowing, the waves kept beating against me, threatening to knock me down. 

"What is He doing?" I asked myself. 


I desperately searched my surroundings, but all I could hear were whispers saying, "He doesn't care about you. All those promises He made to you -He won't keep them. He has cast you aside and won't notice you now!" 

I knew that what I was hearing was a lie, yet now, in the middle of the harsh circumstances I was in, it seemed far too true. 

"I thought You'd promised me joy, God... And yet, I have none." Tears streamed down my face as the realization of what I was saying began to sink in. I was doubting my God, the very One I'd trusted in and upon whom my whole life depended.

If He couldn't help me, no one could... I sank to my knees amid the gale, a feeling of hopelessness overwhelming me. Was I truly alone? "God, please, help me!" I buried my head in my hands, weeping. How could He hear me? What little faith I had that He could...

Suddenly, I felt a gentle touch, and heard a comforting whisper. "He promised... Make your requests known." For a brief moment, I felt calm. Would He answer?

I remembered His promise: "The Holy Spirit helpeth our infirmities, for we know not what we should pray for as we ought. But He intercedeth with groanings that cannot be uttered." (Romans 8)

"Oh, Holy Spirit, help me to pray!" 

With a gentle tug on my hand, He pulled me to my feet and took me step by step down the corridor of faith towards the Throne of Grace. He whispered again a gentle whisper in my ear: "Make your request known." 

Suddenly, I realized where I was and before whom I knelt. Jesus sat at the right hand of the Father, smiling a kind, welcoming smile. The One on the throne leaned forward, compassion etched in His face as He knew the deep agony I felt. Father and Son together, waiting patiently for me to speak, already aware that something was wrong. The Holy Spirit was at my side, encouraging me with His presence that all would be ok. It was a holy place that inspired silence, yet somehow I knew they wanted to hear me speak.

I faltered for the words... "God... I've been doubting You... I'm tired of the storm in my life! All I can see is the wind and the waves and I've lost sight of what really matters... I've lost sight of You." I paused, trying to fight back the tears, but it was no use. I felt the gentle touch again, and I knew this was a safe place. He didn't want me to say all the right things. He wanted me to ask Him for the thing I was needing most at that moment.

I took a deep breath. "I just want what You promised to be true in me... I just want the peace You said You'd give to those who pray with supplication and thanksgiving to You... I don't care how you bring it about, and I don't even care if the storm itself doesn't stop... But do whatever it takes to restore in me that peace that glorifies You. Thank you for your promise."

Soon after, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that He'd already begun to answer me. He quieted the raging seas, stopped the wind from blowing... The confusion was silenced, the lying whispers gone. No longer did I doubt He loved me. No longer did I wonder where He was. 

All He'd been waiting for was a bold request made in humility by one who was aware of who He is and what He is capable of doing; a request made for His glory...

"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of Grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb 4:16)