"All I have is Christ"
I was singing "All I have is Christ" this morning and it got me thinking about my personal story and the many ways God has stepped in to turn the course of my life forever towards Him.
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"I once was lost in darkest night, yet thought I knew the way," the song begins.
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From the outside, you wouldn't have thought me to be very lost.
I was a very good child. I was pretty good about learning from other's mistakes and making better choices than they did.
I knew how to obey the rules, too. And growing up in a Christian family and in church, one would have thought me a good Christian.
But I was quiet. No one knew my thoughts, because I didn't voice them.
People only knew some of the good desires I had, because I knew enough not to voice the bad ones. They would make me look bad, I thought.
As a child, the secret desires of my heart, the hidden love for self was just that -hidden. But it was just as blatant in the eyes of God as anyone who is more vocal about it.
I knew how to appear to love Him.
I knew how to stay out of trouble so that no one thought anything was wrong with me and give me much attention.
I knew how to do the right thing just to get God and others off my back.
But one day, I was confronted with my sin. An evangelist was preaching -one of those evangelists that really steps on your toes.
And through that, questions began stirring up within me. Questions that made me uncomfortable with staying where I was at.
It wasn't the sin of disobedience that was pointed out, or the sin of self-centeredness.
But rather, the sin of unbelief.
You see, I thought that because I had prayed, I was a Christian. I thought that because I knew all the right bible answers, I knew God.
But as this confrontation hit me front and center, I could not ignore it.
An 11-year-old version of myself was stuck under the weight of her own sinfulness -her own unbelief that God truly could be to her all that He said He was.
Part of it was that I didn't know what faith was.
Was it just mental ascent?
Was it agreeing with truth and then acting like you do?
I was confused.
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The song continues, "The sin that promised joy and life had led me to the grave."
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I was super analytical at this age, so these questions brought me to the edge of the grave. I felt as though I were peering down into hell itself.
Darkness surrounded me. Confusion reigned.
For the next several days, I went out onto our back porch, got down on my knees, and prayed.
"God, show me! I don't know if I'm saved!"
Meanwhile, my own mind tried to figure it out.
I was a good girl. I had seen God work in peoples' lives around me. I had even seen Him work in my own life.
I would think these thoughts and start to be comforted, but then up would come something bad in my life. Some selfishness, some act of disobedience, some way I could not live up to what I knew to be right.
And then I would sink down into despair.
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The next phrase of the song goes like this: "I had no hope that You would own a rebel to your will, and if You had not loved me first, I would refuse You still."
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One morning I was in the middle of one such battle.
I remember feeling as though I were in darkness, even though the sun shone brightly outside on that backyard porch.
I cannot explain how this happened, but God interrupted my confusion.
It was as if light were penetrating into the darkness that permeated my mind.
He spoke -not with an audible voice- but in my spirit, and it was as clear as day.
"Sandie, you either trust in you, or you trust in Me. There is no in between."
Peace flooded my soul. The darkness vanished. "Yes, Jesus, I trust in You," I prayed.
It was as if He had stepped into the pitch blackness and turned on the light, and now I could see clearly.
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"But as I ran my hell-bound race indifferent to the cost, You looked upon my helpless state and led me to the cross. And I beheld Your love displayed -You suffered in my place. You bore the wrath reserved for me, now all I know is grace."
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I knew the gospel.
I knew I was a sinner. (Romans 3:10, 23)
I knew that Jesus was God in the flesh sent to be my substitute and take care of my sin problem that separated me from God. (Matthew 1:23; John 1:1; 1 John 2:2)
I knew that God had unleashed all of His wrath towards my sin onto His own Son so I wouldn't have to experience it. (John 3:16, Romans 3:23-26)
I knew that Jesus had been raised from the dead three days later to give me life. (Matthew 28:6)
I even knew that the key to me being saved was faith. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
I also knew that God gives us new life when Christ saves us. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
But it was God who had to step into my darkness and turn on the light.
It was God who took the truth and applied it to my soul in such a way that I understood.
I can't help but think how His love has been a defining factor for why I love Him so much.
Over and over, He pursues me. I wouldn't be who I am today if He hadn't.
"Hallelujah! All I have is Christ! Hallelujah! Jesus is my life!"
There have been so many times when I thought He couldn't be pleased with me because I still fail so much, but then He steps in and shows me who I am in Christ and hope wells up within.
There have been many times when pain gripped my soul, and I couldn't understand the things happening in my life, and He stepped in and comforted me, giving me peace despite the pain.
More and more, He shows me the depths of His love, the endlessness of His character, the joy of knowing Him and seeing His heart as I step in obedience to Him.
I do not have this Christian life down. Apart from Him I can do nothing. (John 15:5)
But, in Him? That's a whole other story.
In Him, I have been called His daughter, beloved, made whole and set apart for Him. (1 John 3:1, Colossians 2:10, Psalm 4:3)
In Him, I can do all that He asks me to do. (Philippians 4:13)
In Him, this world looks much, much different than it did before knowing Him. I have hope despite the pains and disappointments of life. I have purpose beyond just living for self. (1 Peter 1:3; Jeremiah 29:11)
In Him, I have freedom to come boldly and confidently before the throne of grace at any time of day or night to receive grace and mercy to help in time of need (which for me is all the time!) (Hebrews 4:16)
You see, in Him, I have been given all that is truly needed for life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3)
And if you are in Him, the same can be said of you.
I am grateful to be alive right now. I don't know what percentage of my whole life 31 is, but the last verse of the song verbalizes my heart's prayer for whatever is left.
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"Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone, and live so all might see the strength to follow Your commands could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life in any way You choose, and let my song forever be, my only boast is You."
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Do you know Him, my friend?
Let this be an encouragement to you that Christianity can be more than just going to church and reading your bible.
It is meant be a relationship with the living God, which starts on the day He saves you.
You can know Him personally. You can experience Him for yourself.
If you doubt it, take a long hard look at the cross and ponder its meaning. You won't be the same if He touches you.
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