Who am I?

"What do I do?" I wondered as we drove home.

The sun was setting far below the horizon, and streetlights flickered in the onset of darkness.

I tried confessing whatever sin I knew to confess in silent prayer, but it didn't fix what was actually bothering me: I felt like such a huge mess. 

My emotions had been all over the place. 

I felt so much shame, fear, doubt... How had I gotten here? I wasn't sure... Besides, what good would it do to know?

I couldn't fix it. I had spent many hours trying. It seemed that the more I tried, the messier it got. And it felt as though the very fabric of who I was had been torn apart.

The Spirit within me nudged me to bring the mess to God. 

"God, here is my mess... I bring it to You. Can you fix it?" I prayed silently, looking out the window into the dark night.

Suddenly, I saw in my mind's eye the nail-pierced hands of Jesus. "I already did," His answer broke through my doubts and fears. 

And then He looked over at the mess. "That is not who you are." 

Tears streamed down my face. His words were freeing. 

I knew what He meant. The nail-pierced hands. Him referring to the mess as already fixed. 

It felt as though whatever it was that was holding me captive let go and I was free. But the reality was, I had been free all along.

...

"I'm a missionary."

"I'm a teacher and a housekeeper."

"I'm *just* a stay-at-home mom." 

All of these phrases have been said by me at different stages of my life. 

I would confidently and joyfully state the first phrase many times as a young single girl, loving the freedom I had to travel and do exciting ministry things. 

But as my role on this earth shifted to a much less visible one and my freedom to do things like that has lessened, my confidence has also gone down. 

Who am I? Just a stay-at-home mom? 

There is a lie culture speaks over us which is hard to shake: "You are what you do." 

Even in Christianity, we buy into this lie to some level. 

We ask the question of what another person does so we can assess who they might be.

"Oh, you're that kind of person," we reason after hearing what people do for work or with their spare time. 

"Oh, you're that kind of Christian," we conclude after hearing how much or little someone goes to church or reads their bible. 

But what if our identity was set before we were alive? What if it was reset at salvation, never to be tampered with again? 

We know Jesus came to rescue us from our sin, but what if He came to rescue us from more than just the punishment for sin? And what if His rescue was from even more than just our capacity to sin? 

What if His rescue was more complete? 

...

My personal tendency is to aim for perfection in how I live toward God. I don't know if it is a deep-seated legalistic tendency that still likes to show its face from time to time, or if it's just a human thing. 

So, when I fail and fail and fail again, believing the culture's lie that you are what you do looks like deep and unbearable shame. 

It looks like coldness in my heart toward God because I assume that, since He knows how much I've failed, He's already labeled me as a failure. 

And if that is true, I can't be any good to Him in that condition and He can't want me near Him.

But what if He doesn't label us and decide who we are based on successes and failures? What if His pleasure in us is based on something far deeper and more permanent than that? 

...

"My old self has been crucified with Christ," said Paul in Galatians 2:20. 

When I see the nail-pierced hands, I can remember that the old me -you know, the mess I was referring to at the beginning- was crucified with Him. 

"It is no longer I who live," he continued. In other words, that is no longer who I am. The old self is dead to me and I am dead to it. I have been separated from that creature for good. 

"But Christ lives in me," he goes on.

God never uses death as a tool without life in mind. 

When my old creature died with Christ, new life sprung up within me. 

I am not who I was. 

I was a sinner... but now I'm referred to as a saint, or a holy one. (Ephesians 1:1) 

I was Christ's enemy, but now He joyfully calls me His friend. (John 15:15)

I was separated from God by my own evil thoughts and actions, but now I have been brought near and am completely holy and blameless as I stand before Him in Christ without a single fault. (Colossians 1:21-22

I was a child of hell, but now, since God loves me so much, He calls me His child and loves being my Father. (1 John 3:1)

I was condemned and hopeless, but now I am free from condemnation and accusation. (Romans 8:1, 33-34)

I was a fearful slave of the devil, but now I have a different Spirit in me who urges me to call God, "Abba, Father." (Romans 8:15)

I used to have to sin whenever the urge came, but now I have freedom in Christ to say no to temptation. (Romans 8:2)

I used to belong to sin, but now I belong to Christ because He bought me with a high price. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

I used to have no reason to hope, but now I have the promise that my heavenly Father works everything together for good. (Romans 8:28)

I used to live by a spirit of fear, but now I have been given the Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Tim. 1:7)

I used to have nowhere to turn in challenges and suffering, but now I have freedom to go to the throne of grace and receive mercy and grace that helps in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

I was hopeless to ever be anything better, but now I have assurance that God will finish what He started. (Philippians 1:6)

My life used to have no meaning, but now I have been chosen by Him to be one who bears fruit. I am a witness for Christ. I am salt and light on this earth, a channel of His life. (Matthew 5:13-14, John 15:1, 5, 16; Acts 1:8)

....

My identity is no longer tethered to what this world or other people (including Christians) deem important. 

Though others decide what I am based on what I do, God decided what I am based on His doing.

And what He has done through the gospel is complete. 

"It is finished," Jesus said as He hung on the cross. My record of who I had been nailed there with Him as He suffered my punishment. 

He didn't just forgive our sins and remove our condemnation. He replaced that old creature -the sin nature- with His own heavenly nature. 

The old me -that mess of a girl who can't pull herself together for the life of her- was replaced with the life of His very own Son. 

And now, I am hidden deep in His righteousness. God looks at me and sees absolute perfection. 

Now, if you are hearing that through the lie, "you are what you do," then what I just said is confusing. 

I don't execute life perfectly. I mess up more times than I can count. I fail God daily. And don't get me wrong, none of it is not seen by Him.

But He doesn't look at me through that lie, "I am what I do." 

No... He looks at me through a totally different lens. 

I am who He says I am. 

I am who He made me to be in Christ.

And nothing and no one -not even me- can undo it.

I am secure, because His word is as unchanging as His character. 

And now, I can live by a higher law: "I am- therefore, I do."

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away: behold, all things have become new." (2 Corinthians 5:17)


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