When I am my Greatest Disappointment
Have you ever noticed that new seasons of life seem to bring on new failures?
I feel like motherhood and ministry are two places where God has called me to that involve constant change, as well as constant disappointment.
Disappointment in, well, myself.
The older I get (which I'm aware I'm not very old yet), the more I find myself in the stages of life I once dreamed about. And the more I find myself in these stages I once dreamed about, the more I find that it is nowhere near as easy or perfect as I had pictured.
You know that thought you had a long time ago before you were in the season you are in now? The thought that said, "I will do better than they are doing"?
Yet now, what have those thoughts done for us but point afresh at our imperfections and inability to execute any ideas we had about life perfectly?
Maybe it's not as picture-perfect as you thought.
Maybe you are messing up at every turn and wondering why in the world God would have brought you to this place of so much failure.
Maybe you are still fighting to do better and be better than you were yesterday.
Maybe you've already given up and decided it's time to escape this place God has called you to.
Or maybe you're like I've been a lot of the time: tired and flat out disappointed that you can't seem to rise to your own expectations.
The question of if God is even pleased with such imperfect obedience as I follow His call has often troubled me.
How could He be? I mean, yes, I'm here because I followed Him here. But look how imperfectly I am obeying Him!
The other day I was thinking through this with God, and He reminded me of two things:
1. Obedience to what God has spoken is an act of faith, and God is always pleased with faith. (Hebrews 11:6)
2. Obedience that is imperfect and full of flaws is still pleasing to God. Why? What He really wants is my heart, because if He has my heart, He is free to do eternal work in and through my life.
I want to expound on this more, and I think the best way is to share with you a heart-prayer I wrote to God, processing the truths He was speaking to me:
...
Lord, my obedience is not anywhere near perfect... I keep failing. You obviously didn't call me where I am because I'm good at it.
I feel like you should be mad at me.
But You're not... are You?
I feel like You should at least be disappointed in me.
But You're not... are You?
You knew I would mess up. You knew that You could use me in this place of near constant failure. You knew I'd be brought to a place of more distrust in myself than ever before.
But You never intended to leave me here, in shame and hopelessness.
It is not really the obedience that most pleases You, is it? Yes, You are pleased with it. But You are drawn like a magnate to my brokenness.
"A broken and a contrite heart- these, Oh God, You will not despise." (Psalm 51)
You see me trying to do as You commanded and it makes You smile, but then You see me trip and fall -again- and You rush in with mercy.
You want humility, because that is where You can fill to the fullest.
How often I think You must expect me to conquer mightily, when I am but a child and You are the mighty One.
You see all that I am, what I'm capable of -the weakness that I cover over with imagined strength. And yet You tenderly love me.
Then You watch me fail and get mad at myself because I thought somehow I could do better.
And yet, my failings endear me to You, for they remind me of my utter need for You.
You knew I would fail.... because You know what I'm made of.
You know that apart from You I can do nothing. (John 15)
Yet somehow I imagine I can do better than nothing, if even just a little bit.
But every fresh fall proves otherwise and adds yet another crack to the illusion that I can somehow be more than I am without You.
Your goal in calling me here is brokenness, isn't it Father?
It's the broken places that I feel should be despised, but You will never despise them, for there You are welcome.
Oh, how could I expect so much from me, when I am but a creation of You, the All-Powerful One?
It is You who intends to work powerfully and win victories through me.
It is through You that I shall do valiantly. (Psalm 60:12)
It is through You that I can do all things that You ask of me. (Philippians 4:13)
Lord, change how I view myself and what I expect. I realize I can expect me to accomplish nothing without you, but I can always be sure that nothing done in and through You will ever fail.
...
My friends, if you resonate with this, be reminded of this one very important thing:
Your God is drawn to you in mercy when you fail, just like a kind father is drawn to his child when he or she trips and falls.
Compassion is one thing God lavishes on His children with His whole heart.
So if you find yourself flat on your face for the umpteenth time, look up and you will find Him there, ready to lift you to your feet and steady you as you walk along.
With each fall, He wants your heart to become knit to His in utter dependence.
This is His desire, for He knows that He is the very air your soul needs to breathe in order to thrive in the places He calls you.
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