I am a Fugitive

For more than a week now, I've been thinking about a subject that seems almost selfish to think about.

I can't get the topic off my mind! Every time I go to pray, every time I open up my bible, it's there, plain as day... And with it, a little red flag pops up. 

Amazing enough, it all began with me failing to be the kind of Christian I'm supposed to be. Not loving people, not being kind... in fact, kinda rough in my thinking towards them. 

Sure, there were specific and almost "good" reasons to think and be that way... (As in I could of rationalized it away easy as pie.) There. You just got a glimpse into one of the many ways I'm quite capable of messing up.

My Incredibly Selfish Subject...

Now, you must be wondering what the subject is! I think it best described in a single phrase as follows: God loves me.

Those three words bring sunshine into my soul. I want to spend all day thinking about it, soaking it in... Are you feeling the selfishness yet? (There's the red flag I was talking about.) 

I've been meditating on a specific passage morning and evening, setting out to grasp the warmth of this simple phrase... (Will delve more into the passage in part 2).

WAIT A SECOND!

Let me interrupt myself with the question that must be lingering in your mind and distracting you at this very moment! How is it that I think about God's love for me when I've just failed? Shouldn't that make me shrink away in fear, cover myself in dust and ashes and repent? 

Those are the kinds of questions that I've been asking myself too... so you're not alone in this. 

The moment I fail, my natural reaction is to shrink away and hide, just like Adam and Eve did in the garden. One moment I was in a place of unbroken communion with God, the next, I'm running from Him like a fugitive. 

I am a fugitive

Sunday, I was sitting in church after hearing a sermon about the love of God, talking to my friend about my struggle to love other people. She reminded me of something that was said in the sermon. "If your having trouble giving the love of God to others, maybe it's because you aren't accepting God's love for you." 

Suddenly it hit me. All week long that's exactly what God had been trying to tell me while I stared my failures in their ugly, condemning faces. 

I heard His gentle whisper afresh, "I just want you to be convinced that I love you." 

My initial reaction was, "Even now? Even when I've been refusing to use Your love on other people?" ...Yes, even now.

When I'm not loving other people, I should stop and realize God has some love for me that I haven't been accepting.

You'd never believe it. All that time when I was running away to hide because my failures and God just couldn't mix, I was in reality a fugitive hiding from His love, which is in hot pursuit of me every moment of every day. 

"Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life." (Psalm 23)

Click for Part II