When Love brings Heartache
"'That is true,' agreed the Shepherd. 'To love does mean to put yourself into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very Much-Afraid of pain, are you not?'
"She nodded miserably and then said shamefacedly, 'yes, very much afraid of it.'
"'But it is so happy to love,' said the Shepherd quietly. 'It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant.'
...
"'...Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know pain too.'"
-Hinds Feet on High places
//
"...If you would know love, you must know pain too."
How close to home this phrase hits.
It is painful to love.
I turn around in the driver's seat before backing up the car and see it in my daughter's eyes, tears streaming down her face as we leave the baby with her mom for a visit.
"We will come back for her after we run this errand," I assure her, reaching for her hand from my seat in the front of the car.
"You love her, don't you?" I ask.
She nods.
"Sometimes it hurts to love, doesn't it?"
She nods again.
"But that is a good hurt," I assure her quietly.
I tell her I am hurting too, and we are in this together.
We feel a little more connected as we drive off and a little better that this isn't the day that we say goodbye forever.
But it doesn't take away the ache that we both feel. We both know there will be a day when she likely will go be with her mom and not come back.
In her three-year-old mind, she understands just enough to know that this whole situation is not normal. It's flat out hard.
But something is happening in her relationship with me as we ache together.
We are bonding. She feels understood. She feels like she is not alone.
She reaches out to me for hugs more often, and I can't refuse.
She needs to know that here she will always have a place to run when her heart is hurting.
I am only temporary comfort to her little heart before she learns to trust the Source of eternal comfort, and I am learning to be a place of safety for her as she processes difficult emotions, the same way God is a place of safety for me.
//
It occurred to me recently that with greater weight comes greater need for God.
How easy it is to use pain and stress as a reason to depend on more props to get me through each day.
But I cannot carry these weights on my own, and props don't meet the real need that groans deep in my soul.
The ache I was referring to earlier surprises me at times, catching me off guard as I enjoy the little blessing who occupies the crib in my room, as I watch my girls love on her with a love that I never imagined was possible from ones so little, as I see Kevin stepping into the dad role for this little munchkin the way she needs.
The ache throbs right when I start to relax into life as it is and causes me to stop in my tracks disoriented and confused.
Sometimes the ache is more piercing as I watch my little ones, not fully understanding what is going on, processing what little they do know and the emotions that that knowledge brings.
Other times, the ache is mingled with joy as I watch the baby's mom interact with her and realize afresh there is nothing like that maternal bond, so natural and beautifully created by God.
The ache becomes untouchable as it grows alongside the deepening love that we have for this little one and her family.
Nothing can make it go away. We would have to press rewind on the story of our life and change the storyline for it not to hurt.
But maybe this ache has a purpose all of its own...
//
"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before Him?" (Psalm 42:1-2)
The psalmist was writing from a place of hurt and distress, and his pain became for Him a thirst for God.
What if the aches of this life, the unanswered questions, the uncertainty about the future, the grief over the past -what if these are meant to be that which propels us into a deeper thirst for God?
What if the pain the comes hand-in-hand with love is a gentle reminder from our heavenly Lover that we are His Beloved child, and He aches to have us near to His heart?
The ache is my reminder that I need God.
The ache is my reminder that this world is not my home. Eternity is just around the corner.
The ache is my reminder that I was made for more than this world can give me.
Perhaps it increases at times so that we will go deeper and farther with God than we ever would without it.
Perhaps it shows up when it does so that we stop reaching for the things earth offers as comfort and instead reach for Him.
Perhaps it surfaces at times to remind us that we can't do the things He called us to do without Him.
Besides, isn't He the only way we will succeed at this thing called life?
My heart not only aches for eternity, but it aches to see heaven come down to earth in tangible ways.
I want others to taste His love. I want others to know Him, to feel Him, to experience Him, to drink in His life, to be changed by Him.
And I dearly want to be a place where His life is found and received.
But how will this be possible if I reach for earthly things when my heart aches?
Greater weights are actually a greater opportunity for supernatural strength, but only if I am reaching for the supernatural One.
And He cannot fail.
Our aches can send us running into His presence if we let them, just like they send my little girl into my arms.
And every ounce of comfort we receive from Him bonds our little branch to His life-giving Vine in a way that causes His life to come pouring through us onto others.
This is a truth I need to remember every day....
//
My friend, if you are aching, look up. This life may be chaotic and crazy, it may be painful and challenging, but He is here in the midst of it all, closer to you than the air you breathe.
There are times when it feels impossible to make sense of the life we are living.
But maybe we aren't meant to.
Maybe we are just meant to be like a trusting little child who simply grabs onto her father with both arms and does not let go.
Besides, didn't we follow Him here like trusting children? Didn't we say yes to whatever circumstances He has led us to?
Look up at His face, little child of God. He is perfection. He is joy. He is Life. He is strength and wisdom. He is your Savior, your Friend, your Refuge, your safe place...
Look up, into His eyes, dear, much-loved friend of God. He will not fail to be to you what you need. He is faithful and true. He is all that you feel you lack.
Living to love others in this broken world can bring both pain and joy simultaneously.
The pain is a reminder of our weakness, while the joy is a reminder of His glorious power.
Laying down your life for others will make you feel extremely weak.
But God never allows us to feel our weakness so acutely without the intention of flooding into our weakness with His strength.
So, glory in your weakness. Embrace the pain. Rejoice in difficulty and challenge. Not for your sake, but for Christ's sake.
For in your weakness, my friend, He is strong.
Others need what He is doing in you, for out of this will come life.
You will be a place where His presence is found if you welcome Him into those hard places and let Him do His work.
He is ready and willing to come and be to you all that you need.
-1 Corinthians 12:9-10
-John 15
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